Quark Press Release responses

Below are some of the more humorous responses we received about our Alien Skin Discloses Proposal to Acquire Quark, Inc. press release.

“Hey, I’ll contribute $10.00 for this deal if I get a percentage. Bringing up the total offer for Quark to $144.00 Let me know, I might have some old T-shirts to offer as well.” Steven Poleske

“Good luck on the acquisition offer include a couple of temporary tattoos and some yo-yos. Just a thought.”  Steve Fenton

“I have three heavily used AlienSkin t-shirts I would contribute to your war chest if you find yourselves falling short of capital. You all are so weird ”  Linda Ewing

“I loved your acquisition goof! I only wish it were true. Then, perhaps, you’d re-release mTropolis and take over the multimedia authoring world… well, country… er, OK, township. OK, so what if multimedia (CD ROM) development is going the way of Kajagoogoo, It’d still be awesome to have mTropolis back, and paired up with Alien Skin? Oh, two great tastes that go great together ; )”  Gordie Cox

” Hey, Alien Skin! You’re just driving up software industry stock prices beyond reasonable limits. How rude!” Regards, James  James Stillwater

“BRILLIANT. Now if you can just lower the boiling point of water, then I think we have a deal.” Yours truly,  Anthony Liliefeldt Quark Catering Dept.

“August 28, 1998 — NOHO, NYC-John Nack, Exalted Potentate, announced today a proposed transaction in which he will acquire all or part of Raleigh-based Alien Skin Software, LLC. Citing his minimally exceptional cash-flow position, Mr. Nack plans to attempt to barter his services in exchange for control of the 5 year-old maker of kick-ass Photoshop add-ons. “Dude, I make really nice graphical text,” he noted in today’s press conference. Should his takeover plan fail, Mr. Nack plans to continue downloading Alien Skin’s demos ad nauseum, always stopping just short of making a purchase. Despite the frustration this brings to all parties concerned, it is expected to continue in perpetuity. John Nack, founded in 1975, is located in a one-room Manhattan hovel. He develops little remarks that add comedy features to larger companies.”  John Nack

“Read your press release. And laughed. Not out loud, mind you. But inside, where it counts. Where subtle comedy is truly appreciated. Not that lowbrow, slapsticky garbage the networks can only pass off as humor with the aid of a laugh track. No, this was ironic parody. The smarter, less obvious and better looking brother of fart jokes. Truly a dying art. Nice to see it scratching and clawing its way out of the grave. Well done. My only criticism is of the dollar amount offered for the company. $134. Everyone knows odd numbers are funnier than even ones.”   
Peter Crosby

“I just wanted to congratulate you on your effort to acquire Quark Media. Could you possibly acquire Microsoft? Bill Gates with green/orange hair would make some people very happy.” Adam Sitnick

“This is fantastic idea, and I hope they go for it. If they do, please count me in as a ground-level investor-I can promise you at least an additional $20 should they want more than your initial bid of $134. I’ve been looking for a good investment opportunity for quite some time, and believe this is it.”  Andrew MacBride

“I’ll give you $23.51 and I’ll wash your car. (And if you bargain really hard I’ll throw in some cool coins I picked up in Malaysia)”  John Offenhartz

“If you run out of cash in you attempt to buy Quark, I will sell my 1987 Caravan and offer all of the cash to secure the transaction. All the best for future cooperation with Adobe.”  Tomas Hancil

“But $134.00 for Quark? You guys get a little success and you start throwing money around like candy.” –­ Marla Erwin