Quark Press Release responses
Below are some of the more humorous responses we received about our
Alien Skin Discloses Proposal to
Acquire Quark, Inc. press release.
"Hey, I'll contribute
$10.00 for this deal if I get a percentage. Bringing up the total offer for
Quark to $144.00 Let me know, I might have some old T-shirts to offer as well."
"Good luck on the
acquisition offer include a couple of temporary tattoos and some yo-yos. Just a
"I have three heavily
used AlienSkin t-shirts I would contribute to your war chest if you find
yourselves falling short of capital. You all are so weird "
"I loved your acquisition goof! I only wish it
were true. Then, perhaps, you'd re-release mTropolis and take over the
multimedia authoring world... well, country... er, OK, township. OK, so what if
multimedia (CD ROM) development is going the way of Kajagoogoo, It'd still be
awesome to have mTropolis back, and paired up with Alien Skin? Oh, two great
tastes that go great together ; )"
" Hey, Alien Skin! You're just driving up software industry stock
prices beyond reasonable limits. How rude!" Regards, James
"BRILLIANT. Now if you can just
lower the boiling point of water, then I think we have a deal." Yours truly,
Quark Catering Dept.
"August 28, 1998 -- NOHO, NYC-John Nack, Exalted Potentate,
announced today a proposed transaction in which he will acquire all or part of
Raleigh-based Alien Skin Software, LLC. Citing his minimally exceptional
cash-flow position, Mr. Nack plans to attempt to barter his services in
exchange for control of the 5 year-old maker of kick-ass Photoshop add-ons.
Dude, I make really nice graphical text," he noted in today's press
conference. Should his takeover plan fail, Mr. Nack plans to continue
downloading Alien Skins demos ad nauseum, always stopping just short of
making a purchase. Despite the frustration this brings to all parties
concerned, it is expected to continue in perpetuity. John Nack, founded in
1975, is located in a one-room Manhattan hovel. He develops little remarks that
add comedy features to larger companies."
"Read your press release. And laughed. Not out loud, mind you. But
inside, where it counts. Where subtle comedy is truly appreciated. Not that
lowbrow, slapsticky garbage the networks can only pass off as humor with the
aid of a laugh track. No, this was ironic parody. The smarter, less obvious and
better looking brother of fart jokes. Truly a dying art. Nice to see it
scratching and clawing its way out of the grave. Well done. My only criticism
is of the dollar amount offered for the company. $134. Everyone knows odd
numbers are funnier than even ones."
"I just wanted to congratulate you on your effort to acquire Quark
Media. Could you possibly acquire Microsoft? Bill Gates with green/orange hair
would make some people very happy."
"This is fantastic idea, and I hope they go for it. If they do,
please count me in as a ground-level investor-I can promise you at least an
additional $20 should they want more than your initial bid of $134. Ive
been looking for a good investment opportunity for quite some time, and believe
this is it."
you $23.51 and Ill wash your car. (And if you bargain really hard
Ill throw in some cool coins I picked up in Malaysia)"
"If you run out of cash in you attempt to buy
Quark, I will sell my 1987 Caravan and offer all of the cash to secure the
transaction. All the best for future cooperation with Adobe."
"But $134.00 for Quark? You guys get a little
success and you start throwing money around like candy."